Finding that Work-life Balance

Work-life balance has always been something that I’ve struggled with. When I worked at Free The Children, they pushed the term “work-life integration” instead of work-life balance. Basically, the idea was that the stuff you do from 9 to 5 should … Continue reading

5 Fears of Freelancing

I am a freelance writer.

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That sentence on its own is pretty terrifying, to be honest. But it’s true! I am currently a full time freelance writer – meaning that my current and only source of income is freelance writing. I have been doing some freelancing on and off since 2012. But it wasn’t until I quit my job in October and took off to Vietnam for a month that I found myself freelancing full time. So it’s been two and a bit months now and so far, freelancing is a work in progress and something I’m learning as I go.  Overall, I have to say that it’s going really well! There are lots of aspects of freelance writing that I love and many I’m still getting used to. Financially, it’s also working out and I’m actually making a decent amount seeing as I’ve only been doing this a short time. But despite how well things are going, I’m still scared. These are the five things that run through my mind pretty often and what I’m trying to do to stop them.

5. I’m scared I will hate writing.

Sometimes I’m scared I will hate writing. I have countless unfinished stories and starts of novels on my computer that are proof that I can fall out of love with my writing. And I get those feelings again when I find myself working on an article that I’m not passionate about or not interested in. When writing was just a hobby, it didn’t bother me too much that I would start a story and not return to it. But now that I rely on it for my income, I don’t really have the luxury of hating my writing and not returning to it. I have to keep going. And that is scary.

The cure: I went into my freelance “career” (can we call it a career yet?) with this fear in mind. And someone pointed out to me that even though I may have dropped stories or given up on ideas over the years, I have always consistently wrote. Since penning a play in high school, I have always returned to writing in some form. That’s almost a decade of writing! I also have this Hemingway quote up on a board by my desk which reminds me, “Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now.”

Other things I’m doing to ensure my love for writing doesn’t burn out is splitting my jobs into smaller tasks, taking breaks, working on client projects that I enjoy and always having some fun writing that’s just for me to fall back on, like this blog!

4. I’m scared no one will want to hire me.

I think this one boils down to our universal fear of rejection. Most people in regular 9-5s don’t have the opportunity to experience rejection all that often. As a freelancer, the chance of getting rejected comes up almost daily. Especially when I was first applying to jobs, it was hard to grow a thick skin so quickly and get used to the idea that some people will not want me. This also relates to a fear of having no money, since rejections are closely tied to my income.

The cure: This is definitely still something I’m working on. One thing I do to help is look back at the jobs I have gotten. I have about six clients that I am currently working for and have been hired by more than a dozen in my time freelancing. That’s twelve people who wanted to work with me and enjoyed my writing. That’s something! I also have a list of all of my published work and accomplishments, which helps to boost me up when I do get a rejection. Another thing I want to put together is some positive responses to my work, milestones I’ve hit and things that inspire me to write to help me get out of any rejection slumps.

3. I’m scared all my current clients will drop me.

With freelancing comes instability. None of my jobs are guaranteed. This isn’t something I had to worry about working at UBC. There was no way the university was going to run out of money and eliminate my job. And if they did, my union would be working hard to get me a sweet pension. But as a freelancer, I don’t have any of that. I could wake up tomorrow and have emails from all of my clients saying they no longer require my servces. That’s the scary reality of being a freelancer.

The cure: The first step to getting over this fear is just accepting that instability is a risk of freelancing. If I want to freelance and work for clients on my own time, I have to be willing to take the risk that the work could dry up. Practically, I feel better knowing that I have something to fall back on. I have my savings and I am confident that I could pick up a job in retail or serving if I really needed to. This fear also helps to motivate me to always be on the lookout for new clients and opportunities for work.

2. I’m scared no one will understand my work.

I don’t mean that I’m scared no one will understand my writing because I’m writing incredibly complicated and deep stuff. I mean that I’m scared no one will understand the type of work that I’m doing. The idea of being a freelancer is foreign to most of the people in my family and friend group. I don’t think it’s intentional, but it feels like it’s looked down upon by some. I had some conversations over Christmas and it felt like I had to justify what I was doing to people who just thought I was taking a break from real work. Another issue I’ve run into is people not understanding my need to work. I don’t have an office I go to where I can put in 8 hours. I have my desk in my living room and I divide up my work time throughout the day. But I still need to put in that time. So just because I’m home, it doesn’t mean I can get up and do errands or hang out. I’m working! And if I’m honest, this is a part of my freelance job that I also need to get better at. I need to get better at creating those boundaries that respect my time to work and my space. Because when I don’t, I spend all my non-work time stressing. My job doesn’t end at 5:00pm so if I put away my laptop to do something else, odds are I’m still worried about all of my unfinished work.

The cure: I know the cure to this one lies in me. I need to be more confident in my own work. I think a lot of this fear is my own projection and self-doubt. At Christmas my family treated my job like it was fake because that’s how I introduced it. I was self-deprecating and joked that I was working in my pajamas all day (not a joke though, I do work in pjs most of the time). I have to ask for what I need and explain to the people around me what my work schedule looks like because it’s so different from what they’re used to.

1. I’m scared I’m not good enough.

This one definitely has to be my biggest fear. What if my dream career is something I suck at? It was easier when I was working at a job I didn’t care about that was easy to do. But it’s a whole new thing to feel unqualified or inexperienced at a job I love and want to make a lifelong career out of. I have this fear a lot when I’m applying to jobs; it goes hand in hand with my fear of rejection. It also creeps up when people make snide comments about the type of writing I’m doing. No, I’m not writing the great American novel or hard hitting journalism. But I am writing. I’m writing for a living. And I want that to be enough.

The cure: Again, the cure to this one definitely comes down to my own confidence. I need to get more confident in my writing. How do I do that? For me, it helps to look to my past work. I try to keep track of times when I’ve felt good enough and celebrate my small wins as a writer. It also helps to remember that I am new to this and can only improve from here.

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All of these fears are legitimate and I feel them on a regular basis. But they don’t cripple me. It helps to have this blog as a place where I can explore these feelings and put them down on (virtual) paper. As you can see, I’m still working on these fears. I have some cures in mind but I don’t always remember to implement them. I want to figure out a better routine for my writing and work on keeping myself motivated.  I’m still learning!

But one thing I know for sure is that I am so much happier now working as a freelance writer than when I was working my 9 to 5 at UBC. I am excited about my work. I don’t wake up dreading the day and counting down the hours until I can go home – partially because I’m already home. I get to control my own schedule and do the work that I want. I get to write! It’s amazing and despite my big fears, I’m very happy to be doing it.

Let’s Go To The Beach

After parting ways with Emilie in Hanoi, I headed back down south to Phu Quoc Island. Originally, I had wanted to go over to Cambodia and see the temples of Angkor. But the flights to Cambodia were pretty expensive. It would’ve been cheap to bus but I didn’t have the time. So I settled on Phu Quoc for a chance to relax on the beach, get in some writing and enjoy time away from a busy city.

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Welcome to Phu Quoc Island!

I got to Phu Quoc and checked into an upgraded room at a really nice hotel. As soon as I put my bags down, I headed right out to the beach! My hotel was only a 2 minute walk from the beach, which was perfect. The beach itself was really beautiful. It wasn’t as crowded as the beach in Hoi An and also looked a bit more rustic. Unfortunately, all of the beach chairs/umbrellas were either owned by beachfront resorts or very expensive to rent for the day. I decided to just put my towel down on the sand and get into the water.

Once in the ocean, I really felt the peace and quiet I was looking for from Phu Quoc. I was virtually alone in the ocean and the water was so calm and cool. I stayed there for a while and then returned to my blanket to dry off and watch the sunset.

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img_20161125_153716The rest of my days in Phu Quoc involved more time at the beach and a lot of time writing in my room (and watching the new Gilmore Girls revival on Netflix). Unfortunately, being in the south, Phu Quoc was very warm so it was hard to do much else besides jump into the ocean and back to my air conditioned room. I sampled some local food, including freshly caught fish, but didn’t do too much exploring. I had given myself permission to not really be a traveler for this part of my trip. I didn’t go into town, go on any tours or rent a motorbike to see more of the island. I was really just looking for a chance to relax a bit and get ahead with as much writing as I could. I still felt guilty, especially the day when I skipped the beach entirely and holed up in my room. It’s something I want to work on when I travel, and in my daily life: dealing with expectations I have for myself and the ones that I imagine other people have for me.

One of the bonuses of going to Phu Quoc was that it wasn’t a big tourist destination or very well known. I was looking forward to the fact that no one would be able to say, “What do you mean you spent all your time in your hotel room with only a few beach breaks? How could you not go out and see XYZ?” But I know that’s a shitty way to travel and something I need to work on moving forward. I don’t want to go places just to get a passport stamp or cross it off a bucket list. I want to enjoy my travels. And I want to be okay with taking time for myself to watch Netflix in a hotel room, despite being in a cool foreign country.

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But more on that in my next post! Title TBD but I want to explore my travel style and thoughts on future travels. This trip really opened my eyes to the type of traveling I want to do going forward and how different that might be from what I used to think.

A labour of love

When I started this blog, it was a place to express my strong desire to escape and get away.  And when I finally did get away, it became the perfect platform to share stories and photos from my trips abroad.  Now, more settled back at home, my blog has become a way for me to express myself and still share aspects of my life with anyone who happens to be reading.

Throughout all the phases of this blog over the last 4+ years, it has always been a creative outlet. Writing has always been my creative outlet.  I’ve dabbled in different types of writing over the years: fictional with short stories and scripts, blog posts, academic writing, editorial writing and freelance article writing.

I’ve always said that I love writing.  In fact, one of the reasons this blog came into existence is because it combines my two greatest loves: writing and travel.  I have never had a problem admitting my love for writing.

But admitting that I want it to be more than just a hobby? Now, that’s scary.

Over the last year (or probably longer), I’ve really struggled with a career path. I bounced around – non-profit, counselling, HR – but nothing really stuck.  I used to think I was so much smarter than those kids who decide they’re going to be doctors at the age of 7 and hold onto that for the rest of their lives. I thought by being open to all my interests and not committing to one thing, I was setting myself up for a more realistic career path.  And hey, maybe I will return to those other interests in the future and I don’t regret any of the career turns I’ve taken.  But I’ve also realized by not committing, I’m not putting myself out there. I’m not saying what I want. I’m not going after my dream. And honestly, it’s because I’m scared.  I am terrified that if I say my dream out loud, it means I could fail.  But if I don’t say it out loud, I’ll never know if I could succeed.

So, I’m saying it: I want to be a writer.

In fact, I am a writer! Not only on this blog, but I’ve been freelance writing for almost five years.  In the last few months, I’ve picked up a couple of new projects.  And I’m looking to add even more.  So I’m a writer and I’m looking for work! I really want to make writing my career. I want to be a writer. That’s my heart work. It’s terrifying to admit that. But it’s also really empowering. I’m not sure when I decided it was okay to bury my dream of writing but I’m done with that. I am slowly learning how to acknowledge my passion and give it the attention it deserves.

And with that acknowledgement comes all of the terrifying possibilities of rejection, writer’s block, networking, etc. I’m slowly coming around to those ideas. But it also comes with a lot of pride, creativity and great opportunities. I’m nervously excited.

So with that, if you or anyone you know is looking to hire a writer, I would love to be considered.  You can check out my work in my Writer’s Portfolio and contact me with any projects.  Please feel free to spread the word: this writer is going after her dream!

Wait, I have a blog?

Oh, that’s right. I do. Whoops!

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So writing on this blog of mine has been intermittent, at best, over the last 3 years. At one point, I was blogging daily during my first solo trip to Europe. And at other points, I’ve gone so long without writing that I’ve forgotten my WordPress password!  But I guess it makes sense that a travel blog (or an amateur version of one) is only updated when I’m travelling.

But I didn’t create a blog purely as a travel diary. In fact, I had no travel plans when I published my first (kind of depressing) post. This blog was a place to escape. It was a place to dream. It was a place to create the fulfilled, exciting and adventure-ish life that I wanted. This blog was for me.

And that’s what I want to get back to. While this blog has worked out great for sharing travel photos and stories with friends and family back home, I don’t want to completely ignore it whenever I’m not travelling.  Because I think there are quite a few teaspoons of adventure to be had on home soil too!

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My new vow: Write on this blog. Write regularly. Write once a week.  Write for me. I’ve always loved to write, and this is a wonderful platform to do it on. It might not always be travel related (though, knowing me, it often will be). And I’ll probably experiment with different styles. And I don’t assume or expect a large following of readers because of it. But writing weekly will keep me accountable, give me a chance to flex some writing skills and remind me how grateful I am for the wonderful adventure-almost-full life I am currently leading!

Seen in the basement of UBC's Student Union...and a wonderful statement about my old haphazard blogging commitment

Seen in the basement of UBC’s Student Union…and a wonderful statement about my old haphazard blogging commitment

Week 1 and done! See ya next week 🙂