So since I’ve committed to this weekly blogging business, I try to update my blog every Tuesday. Today is Thursday…which gives you some indicator about my week.
This week has been a little crazy. I had 3 big things due today: a creative writing assignment, a book response and a term paper for my religious history class. I knew I had all of these things coming up and had tried for the last week or so to schedule time to work on each one.
And it was successful…sort of! I had the creative writing assignment done last week. Tuesday was a holiday, so I used the day to finish off the book response. Unfortunately I left the big term paper (15 pages and worth 50%) for last. I inched through my research and as of last night, all I had was an outline.
But I was able to finish it (13 pages, close enough!) and am currently in the process of editing and citing. I wouldn’t say I’m proud of the paper, but we do have a week of peer editing before we hand it in for real, so I’m not too worried. Still, there is a certain shitty feeling that comes with handing in something you’re not proud of.
But I am feeling a little disappointed. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is, but it’s been a bit of a crappy day (I’m sure staying in all day to work on the paper did not help). Maybe the last few days even. I remember being excited about classes when they first started back in September; now I can barely manage to attend them regularly, let alone be excited for the content. I find myself dreading work shifts and struggling to get through the hours. And this super cold weather isn’t helping! My apartment doesn’t have heat so I spend most of my day (and night) freezing. It’s very hard to get warm when you start each day shivering.
And I think a part of this blah feeling is due to some anxiety about what’s to come. I only have a few weeks left of my undergrad and then it’s full force into my new job. I’m stoked as heck to be working at FTC, but I’m also nervous for the changes. And for the inevitable burn-out that will come with working at FTC Monday to Friday and serving on the weekends. I’m also starting to get nervous about the apartment search. And money stuff. And the fact that I’ve been to the gym once in the last month.
So none of these stresses or hassles are necessarily new. They’re also not especially painful compared to what a lot of other people deal with. A lot of them are just average issues I have no reason to complain about. But I think I’m the kind of person who doesn’t deal well with dread. If I have something coming up that’s unpleasant, like a late shift at work or big test, I let that negative event colour my days leading up to it. It’s a quality I really don’t like about myself, especially when I’d like to think I’m pretty optimistic overall.
This means I also build up the good things. I pile way too many expectations into future good events or even events that have the potential to be good. Sometimes this helps me to cherish the good moments more deeply, but sometimes, it leaves me disappointed. If my expectations aren’t met, I get disappointed. And I’m self-aware enough to know that the disappointment lies mostly within myself: why did I set expectations higher than could be met? Why am I setting myself up for this giant crash? It annoys me that my own mental blocks get in the way of enjoying things.
A good friend once told me the quality she loves most in people is consistency. I keep coming back to how true that is. I so value consistent behaviour from the people in my life; I like to know what to expect. But when that doesn’t happen, is it their behaviour that’s become inconsistent or is it me who has changed my expectations?
So many unconnected feelings – this is my rant. I said I wanted to use this blog to get out personal feelings, so here they are. I don’t know if this advances me as a writer but I feel like I’m advancing a little bit as an introspective human. I also feel like I’ve procrastinated enough and it’s time to get back to work on my paper!